Brit Chick Runs

Aah, the age old question! It’s been a while since I blogged, hasn’t it? Five days in fact. I think my blogging is going to continure to be very sporadic, mainly because I’m keeping busy and I do feel like BCR is coming to a gradual close. I know I keep saying that, but my heart isn’t in blogging quite as it was, and it does just feel like I’m reaching the end of the road (at least with this blog).

But anyway!

I thought I’d give a brief update as to what is going orwn in the life of me:

1) 10 mile run on Sunday: totally fabulous, I kept a steady 8.20 pace, but there were TWO, count ‘em, TWO problems. Numero Uno: when it is basically 0 Celsius outside, it might be wise to wear gloves. If you don’t, you’ll end up begging your mum to loan you hers when she sees you at mile 6.5, because you can’t actually move your hands…Numero Duno: This gel…:

…sucks. Do. not. buy. it. I bought it the other week when I ran out of my favourite Powerbar / Clif Gu gels, and let me tell you..it’s foul. I gagged about 1/4 of the packet at mile 7, before having to squeeze it all out and stash the empty packet in my pocket (no bins). Seriously – I couldn’t stomach it! I hate wasting food, & I hate running with low energy – but both happened during the last few miles of that 10. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. If I wanted thick water that tasted a bit like it’d had a skank tasting vitamin pill dissolved in it, I would have made my own. Nooooo thank you.

2) Our family has expanded!

I do apologise for all the cat photos – but what do you expect!? We now have FOUR cats running wild around the house!!

(Poppy, looking incredibly unimpressed at a cat eating her food…did you know Poppy went for a 14mile walk with my step dad the other weekend!? He goes out for epic long walks all the time, taking her with him, and she LOVES it! Jack Russells just do not get tired :/)

Kovac (the original), Rabbit (arrived 2 weeks ago), Bear (the boy ginger and white), and his asyetunamed sister! They all get along so well, but thank goodness I’m not doing exam work anymore – the house is incredibly noisy for 20hrs a day, because the three young cats (Rabbit = 5months, the gingers = 6months – all rescues) spend the whole time sprinting about, chasing each other and crashing around. It’s mental!

Last night (whilst watching Rude Tube – love love love that show), I had three of them laying on me, with Kovac next to me sleeping like this:

I really am Crazy Cat Lady.

3) I keep eating pancakes…

…the blobby white stuff was meant to be some fancy tofu sauce, but it didn’t really work. I had a chunk of regular tofu left over, so I blended it with rice milk, a chunk of frozen banana, a blob of PB, maple sizzup and a spice mix. The tofu was waaay too small though, so Vincent basically splattered it all up the sides and called it a day. Not cool.

4) Mon life, c’est tres busy! (The extent of my high school french).

Here’s the 411 (does anyone still say that?): Since I started work in the primary school, I have totally found my Thing, the thing I want to do for the rest o’ my days. I want to be a primary school teacher! I adore every single day there – despite the 5.30am start and the odd runs in the dark…- so that is my focus now.

(I love that quote!)

I’m (hopefully) starting another voluntary placement soon, this time helping city kids (aged 5-11) come to the country and have tours around farms to learn about livestock and farming and things other than concrete and city foxes. In January, I’m (again, hopefully) starting an NVQ course for teaching assistants. I’m trying to find [paid] work as a TA at the moment, but the majority of schools now require the NVQ qualification that I’ll be starting in January…so it’s pretty tough to find a TA job!

In November, I’m booked to go on an Introduction to Play Therapy course, with the aim to train to be a fully accredited play therapist in the future / next year (Play therapy is incredibly effective on disturbed and troubled children).

In the meantime, I’m applying to start my official primary school teacher course, which would begin next September, but it is extremely competitive, so I might not get on this year. If not, I’ll keep going as I am, getting experience and other qualifications, and hopefully get on the next year. The teacher I work with the most at the primary school didn’t get on til her third time applying, so I’m not going to lose hope. My mum is also 100% behind my plan, and is thrilled for me that i’ve found something!

5) X FAAACCTTTOOOORRR – who’s watching!? Janet, Sophie, James (oh wait – Gary was a tool and kicked him out in week one), Kitty, or Rhythmix to win!!

American folk – what do you think of American X Factor!? I saw the judges’ houses episode, and wow – the contestants in America are of a much higher standard than the ones on the show here..crikey.

6) Chika: her soundness / leg issues seem to be resolved, and although we hit a rather solid and nasty brick wall in our schooling the other day, she seems to be back to her fat and fluffy and lovely self

Annnnd finally, in running-life news – I have a 20k race on November 6th, and then next year, I’m entered for the Brighton marathon in April, and the Edinburgh marathon on May 27th, which is my birthday! Both marathons are flat and fast, and I’m really, really, REALLY hoping that I can get my training, nutrition and mindset ready so I can kick some marathon-ass, and run the marathon that I have been dreaming of. I can’t wait!

Oh, and my mum has started her running again!!! She’s up to walk/running 2miles, which is a massive achievement for her and I am so proud We’re going to run a Race For Life together next spring (they’re 5k runs to raise money for breast cancer – only women run them, and they’re really relaxed and fun). Crossing the finish line of a run with my mum (and Hannah, if she fancies it!?) would be a dream come true…*sigh*

Sooo things are looking up! Next year will be a brilliant year, I can feel it

Have you got any big plans for next year? How old were you when you found your Thing? Y’know, the thing you’re meant to do  or be – job, family, partner etc.  My mum didn’t find her true calling – counselling / therapy – until she was in her 40s!

YO!

Firstly – wow o wow o wow. Thank you all so, so much for the comments on my last post; I’m so grateful that so many of you could relate, and shared your experiences. I wish I could reply to all the comments, but I just don’t know where to begin..all I can really say is a collective ‘YOU ARE AMAZING!’.

One person mentioned I should think about all the positives in life, which is very wise advice. I then read Ali’s Thankful Thursday post (Ali = new favourite blog – she is infectiously upbeat!), and decided to steal the idea and do a big old Thankful Thursday / Let’s Look At The Positive Things post. Hooray!

I am thankful for . . .

My wonderful Mutti, who is a mother, father, best friend, therapist and fellow crazy cat lady, all rolled into one:

I honestly do not know where I would be if she were not my mother (well, I guess I wouldn’t exist if that were the case – but you know what I mean, ja.). She just kicks ass.

My wonderful Rabbit!

(Yes, only half of the floor has carpet. Believe it or not, we can’t actually afford to put down a proper floor. We choose where to spend our money – horses, Waitrose occasionally = yes. Proper flooring? It can wait!)

He’s been here 8 days now, and acts like he completely owns the place. Oh, and did I mention that he and I are infatuated with each other!? Who needs a man, when I have Rabbit? Boys are so overrated.

Markets. Or, more specifically, the market I went to today, where they were selling this huge giant purple cauliflower for 45p!??

It doesn’t taste any different (at all) from a regular cauliflower, but I figure that purple colour must have a fairly big hit of antioxidants or something…right? If it works for blueberries, it works for cauliflower. I think…

The steam setting on the iron:

Ok, so I’ve been doing my own ironing and washing since I was 8 or 9 years old – yet it was only yesterday that I discovered the steam setting – ie, the setting that makes those awkward, bitch-to-iron garments 10 x easier to iron. I can’t even imagine how many hours (days?) I’ve wasted, battling against jumpers that won’t go smoothe…..when all it would’ve taken was a flick of the steam switch. Alas.

Beautiful, bubbly, bone-destroying, bloat-causing, addictive, delicious Diet Pepsi:

Yes, it’s bad for me. But I. don’t. care. I love it! Bring me the bubbles.

My ‘ealth:

(George and I, just hangin’ out.)

I am ever so thankful that I can run, and that I can walk and ride and bake nice things. I may not be in the most stella frame of mind all the time, but at least I don’t have some ghastly, debilitating illness – and I am very grateful for that. So many people have it a billion times worse than me – I need to remember that next time I moan about having achey legs on a run, or a slight headache or something.

(I’m sorry the photos are tiny – but those are the pics I had taken before the half marathon on Sunday. Remember I said I was the only runner (out of who met them before the race? Well they wanted some promo-type photos, so I had to run towards the (ex-papparazzi lady’s!) camera and smile nicely :-p)

OH – and talking of health and running, did I mention, I have another race coming up!? November 6th, 20k. 20k = 12.4 miles – GAH! Why couldn’t it be a nice even 13.1, so I can say I ran my 6th half marathon!? Aaaah well.

Delizzus food:

Green smoothie = win (frozen banana & melon, protein powder, hemp milk, spinach – topped with Annie’s Chocolate & Vanilla Bunny cereal stuff). Cereal on top = not so good. It tasted kinda artificial and a bit too sweet – and the chocolate and vanilla bits didn’t really seem much different. Hurrumph.

Carrot pancakes with a nooch-hummus sauce however? Oh, win x a thousand! Perfect.

And last but not least – my gorgeous fluffy Chika-face:

I’m actually pretty worried about her at the moment – she’s been having some leg problems – but she’s been with me 7 years, through thick and thin, and is my favourite four-legged creature in existence!

So people, what are YOU thankful for?

*Disclaimer: I’m going to talk about body image, EDs will probably come up, and I might mention the word ‘fat’ – if that’s going to bother you, stop reading.*

[see title] Sooo….I guess I’m still blogging occasionally then!?

Before I launch off into one, I do have to give a massive big thank you to all your comments on my half marathon post – I really appreciated them! I guess that’s a lot of the reason why I keep coming back to blogging – so that I can connect with people who really understand what I’m about. Though, saying that…my mum and I went on a 1 mile walk / run on Monday! This is a Big Deal for my mamma, and I am so proud of her! She’ll be addicted to running in no time, then I’ll have a running buddy, then we’ll spend all our time talking about running, and then we’ll travel the world running marathons together. A girl can dream….

Moving on!

I thought we’d get a bit deep today (<—eh? ) – I mean deep as in, ‘ohh, that’s a deep & meaningful topic to talk about’, as opposed to deep sea diving, orrrr…whatever. I hope that makes sense. I tend to type as I think, which often means that 90% of what I write makes sense to me, but probably means squat all to anyone else. OH well!

(Does that image have anything to do with my post today? NOPE! But I don’t like pages and pages of writing with nothing to break them up (at least, on a blog I don’t), so expect more random pictures )

Yes, so, my deep topic: body image! Self esteem, body love / hate, where it comes from etc etc. See, I was thinking the other day, about why I struggle with my accepting my body (and myself) so much. I guess a lot of my thinking has come from the events of last week – I know I reacted strongly to them, and I know it’s because I’m insecure. But why? I guess maybe if I talk about why I think it is, someone else out there might be going through – or have been through – something similar, and can give me some mighty fine words of wisdom.

Anyway, here’s the kind of reasons I came up with:

- Being big. I don’t mean fat, I mean big – as in, giant feet (English size 9, US size 11 I think!?), tall (5ft9), all arms and legs. Sometimes, I feel like Bambi slipping about on the ice, like I’m just not in proportion and all gangly…which is probably because of . . .

- . . . Being made fun of in primary school for being tall and gangly. I believe ‘lanky’ were the words that the nasty girl used, coupled with the phrase ‘nasty little girl’ and ‘ugly’, whilst knocking my books to the floor. I know, it’s hardly crazy bad bullying, but when you’re six years old, that stuff sticks. I can remember crying for ages one evening, and I was too scared to tell my mum what was wrong. Eventually she got it out of me, and told the teacher. Nasty girl and I then had to sit down together and be talked to. It wasn’t nice!

- Being taller than everyone else, boys included. Every image you see, every film, every stereotypical couple – the woman is always smaller than the man. The ideal that’s known to you from when you’re tiny is that men look after women, women are small and delicate and must be rescued. So when you’re growing up and you’re taller than all the boys, it makes you feel like a big old giant. I hated that – and still do! The average man is 5ft9 – my height – and I know that height isn’t a big deal, but it’s still something that really gets to me. I never, ever wear heels…

During my darkest ED days, I used to have a quote swimming round my head all the time: ‘I wish I was so thin and small that I could curl up in my boyfriend’s lap, then I would be safe and he would protect me.’ I think that quote speaks volumes. It illustrates firstly, my insecurity about myself and the desire to feel safe and be rescued, and secondly – the fact that I equated ‘small and thin’ with being loved and safe.

- I have ‘man issues’ (*edit* – maybe just issues in general!? These few paragraphs ramble away a bit…!). As I was so painfully shy at school, I never had guys who were friends, so I never experienced all the banter that comes with it, or even the confidence that you can get from hanging out with a bloke. In fact, I think I came across as very arrogant and up myself, as I didn’t want to talk to anyone - because I was too scared!

When I was in high school, I had *one* friend. If my *one* friend wasn’t there, I spent all break times in the library reading horse magazines, because I had no-one to hang out with and I was too scared to find anyone. That friend and I eventually went separate ways, and during high school, I had FIVE separate friend groups! I never, ever felt like I fitted in, and I was always alone in classes, the one not to be picked for sports teams, the one who people whispered about etc. It all added up to one insecure girl. It didn’t help that boys were friends with my best friend, but would purposely be mean to me, even when my friend and I were sitting next to each other. I can vividly remember one boy writing ‘Freya is ugly’ all over my logbook.

Another vivid memory was getting sent a Valentine’s card in year 8. When it was delivered, I went bright red and was so embarrassed; everyone was laughing at me. I found out later on that it was a fake, sent by some nasty girls in my year. I spent the whole evening crying.

In year 12, I got a boyfriend. The guy was the boy that was friends with e v e r y o n e. Cool kids, uncool, preppy, nerds…everyone. I couldn’t understand why the heck he liked me, and we were only together 7 weeks. I broke up with him, because I was scared, the girls used to bitch about me (‘why is he with her?’) and I felt he was too good for me. It also didn’t help that he was my height, and super skinny – I was going through a ‘puppy fat’ phase, and was feeling horrendously insecure. I felt like I’d crush him if I hugged him, and I think that relationship was probably the very start of my ED.

I also have a pretty crummy relationship with my dad …  I don’t want to go into details about that aspect on here, but he and I are not even talking right now and it’s highly unlikely we will ever again, after an incident in the summer. I can’t even begin to describe how crushing it is to be rejected by your own dad, when you’re already insecure and struggling.

- I have always felt like the dumb sister, and – I’m not going to lie – I’m incredibly jealous of my sister! I love her to pieces, and I am so, so proud of all that she’s done (and is doing – she’s a rockstar), but I am so jealous of her too. She gorgeous and comes across as confident, open and friendly (even if she feels insecure). She’s incredibly smart, studied at one of the best universities in the world, and is going to do so much with her life. I guess I feel very left behind – my ED started at 17, and it destroyed university for me. I moved home after 3 months of living on campus in my first year (2008), because I was depressed and very ill. Missing out on all the vitally important events in the first year made it very, very hard to bounce back.

- There are a handful of times in my life when I have felt properly happy – the first was when I stayed with my best friend in Washington DC in 2007 (her aunt lives there). It was a dream come true for me! Another time was when my mum and I went to DC for my first marathon, and the final time that really sticks out was when I went to the Healthy Living Summit last year. I came back from that feeling SO good about myself – like I had a new lease of life! Being around so many incredible, strong women was empowering. When I basically fell apart at the end of 2010 / beginning of 2011, I badly wanted to go back, so i could find that happy, confident person I had been last year. That is why I went again this year. I needed something, anything, to get me out of the nasty messy depression I was in, and I was clinging to that trip being It. It didn’t work out quite as I expected (post for another day!) but it was still a wonderful experience.

- Getting injured earlier this year sent my body image and self esteem crashing. The injury couldn’t have come at a worse time – my final year of uni was THE most stressful and difficult period of my life. Coupled with that came major confusion about what the heck I was going to do with my life…well, it wasn’t good news! Running really, really improves my self esteem though. I feel amazing after a good run – strong and powerful, and it makes me appreciate my body for what it can do. The bits that I hate get overshadowed by the pride I feel for what I can accomplish.

Spending time with my mum and my animals – Chika and Rabbit, for example – helps too, because they make me happy, and you’re never going to love yourself in you’re feeling depressed. I simply couldn’t have upped sticks and moved away this year, because I need that support. BUT, I am finally feeling my old self coming back now! Working in the primary school has been incredible for me, and I love every second. I know I’m making a big difference, I have focus again, and it’s fantastic! It’s also led to some pretty big life decisions – more on that in a different post!

- I just realised this is one heck of a massive post, so I won’t write anymore for now. I have so, so much more to say though! I could talk about body image and self esteem til the cows come home, I really could. But anyway…

What are your experiences? Questions, comments, advice?

I know, I know… I said I was stopping blogging! But you know what? I am bursting to tell *someone* about my fifth half marathon today, because  - after a really crap year, running wise – I’m so proud of myself! I don’t know anyone in the real world who runs, so the only people who can understand my excitement, is YOU guys.

I spent the first 6 months of this year battling shin splints, and have had to pull out of Dublin marathon on October 31st because I haven’t been able to heal fast enough to get the training in. For a while, running the Royal Parks half today (for The Brooke Hospital for Animals) was very touch and go too, so I am truly elated that I managed to do it!!

Frustratingly, The Brooke sent me the wrong shirt to run in, so I had to run in a standard Royal Parks shirt (instead of a bright orange number with a big horse head on it ). I did meet up with the Brooke team before the run though, and they gave me a temp orange t-shirt to pose for photos in – I also had to do a load of ‘running towards the camera’ shots, just in case they didn’t see me on the course. It was rather … odd… when I get the photos, I’ll post them.

Anyway! Before the run, I was feeling really nervous – the 2 weeks since the Ipswich Half marathon have been tough running-wise, as it took me a week to really recover from the hideous-toughness that was the hills at Ipswich. Also, on Saturday, the journey up to London – which normally takes 2 to 2.5 hours – took FIVE AND A HALF HOURS and was crazy stressful. Then I slept horrendously badly on Saturday night, and was exhausted on Sunday morning!

Despite that though, the run went SO well! I was aiming for about 1.55, because I felt crummy before, but I ended up finishing in 1hr 44! I am SO thrilled!!! (I got placed about 1,700 out of 12,500 runners, and 342nd woman!)

After eating the only two things I had on me as soon as I finished – a normal Luna bar and a mini Luna bar – my mum, stepdad and I went to Whole Foods (which was super close to the half marathon area) and I ate the largest box of food I have ever bought. Never. tasted. so. good.

Annnd now I’m home, I’ve spent the evening catching up on emails, watching X Factor, and cuddling Rabbit

Perrrrfect.

Next job: a sub-1.40 half. I know I can do it!

xo

(PS: I cannot thank you enough for all the emails, facebook messages and comments over the past few days. You guys are rock stars!)

Oh blimey.

I refuse to let the most recent last post on my blog be so freakin’ negative, so instead, I’ll introduce you to a new member of my family:

Rabbit! He’s a 5 month old rescue kitten, who I picked up today. He’s already made himself 100% at home…I love him!

xo